STEVEN COOPER | LPCC, CHT
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For the Mind
You're Different
You’re an individual. You’re in your own lane. You can separate your thoughts from your feelings. You can stay calm and regulate yourself at all times, no matter what’s happening around you. You are separate, autonomous, you are different.
These simple truths drive the spirit behind what Bowen refers to as Differentiation. It’s important to differentiate in our everyday lives. What is differentiation? It is a way of being, a practice, of regularly checking in with yourself, reminding yourself to focus on your unmet needs, and the ability to choose your thoughts and your feelings, Instead of getting lost in them. It’s the ability to mentally and emotionally stay independent from the outside world.
What happens when we don’t differentiate? Well, when we are Undifferentiated, we get into other people’s drama, we lack independence, we make fear based decisions, we give into stress, we can’t make our own decisions, we have poor self care and don’t get enough sleep, food, water, or fresh air. We mentally and emotionally merge with other people. We are super sensitive to other people and judge ourselves and others. We take on other people’s issues as our own. We forget who we are and forget to love ourselves. We don’t trust in our own survival skills.
When we differentiate, we are thoughtful, creative, we don’t get caught up in other people’s emotions, we can calm our own emotions, and we aren’t vulnerable to stress because we make sure our basic needs like sleep and getting enough food and water are taken care of. We can focus and relax, even around stressful people and stressful situations. We remember we’re separate from our problems. We know we are not our problems. We trust ourselves to get through the tough times. Because we are resourceful and resilient. We remember to Just Breathe.
As a simple practice to learn to Differentiate daily, notice your thoughts and distinguish them from your emotions throughout the day. Become mindful of separating your thought process from your feelings. Picture yourself as a car driving in its own lane on the freeway: that is the quintessential visual for a differentiated mindset. If stressed or triggered, allow yourself to anchor to this question immediately: "How do I WANT to feel right now in this situation? What do I NEED in this moment?"
As a physical practice, when you notice you've become activated or flustered by an interaction, simply take a small step to the side. Just do it. Take a breath. Notice the shift a moment of intentional time does to the subconscious. Literally, you can gain a more regulated, centered perspective and really SEE yourself when you've become distressed. In this way, you can take back control by focusing on your immediate need, and separating the negativity from your sense of self. Literally stepping out of thes stress.
With these simple methods you can practice staying in your own lane.
Challenge yourself, each and everyday, to Differentiate. It will change your life.
-Joey Jefferson
Let Go
“The hardest part is letting go.”
Where were you when you first heard this? (Or, of course, something similar.) I must have been 9 or 10. Watching the Selena film before she jumps off a platform several stories high, her first time bungee jumping. The safety operator tells her, as she has second thoughts and her nerves start to get the best of her, “Hey, the hardest part is letting go.” Those words were all it took. She took a breath. And just jumped. In that moment…she awakened to her true self.
It’s ironic, isn’t it, how easy letting go is supposed to be? I’ll prove it: Pick up a cup or book in your immediate area. Now, hold it for a second, and then, place it back where you got it, letting it go. Done. It took what, 3 seconds? Why, then, in Life’s journey, are we so vulnerable to the things outside of us that we could, if we so chose, put down and leave behind?
I want you to challenge yourself. Starting today. Let Go of what’s outside of your control. Let go of the baggage that has gripped you and taken over your ability to move forward. Let go of the mundane, the limiting beliefs, the overthinking. Letting Go means: Focus on your options. Your resources. Your ideas. Just yourself. We must let go of the desire to change the things outside of ourselves, the forces and people around us. Because they go on, despite your best efforts to control them or ignore them. We must adapt by focusing on our own locus of control.
It comes down to Trusting ourselves. Why worry about ANYTHING life has in store for you? What difference does it make? The planned, the unplanned. The curveballs, the perils, the trials and tribulations…If you know in your heart you have the Spirit to make it through, come what may. When you truly believe…You carry on with no Fear. So…Let Go.
“Let come what comes, let go what goes. See what remains.”
-Ramana Maharshi
Solitude
"Loneliness is a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence. Aloneness is presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love."
-Pragito Dove
Being alone. To each of us, the word alone immediately touches us differently. For some, it sparks instant anxiety, fear, worry, panic. For others, bliss, peace and quiet, a chance to decompress.
It is of my humble opinion that the feeling of loneliness is a subconscious choice we make. Perhaps it's my experience as an only child most of my life. I dove into myself, in the many times of solitude. I found a private, expansive world within. It invigorated me during those years. Then, there's that word again...solitude. I find that solitude is an intentional perspective toward one's alone time. You talk to the elders, and they remind you, "it takes a lifetime to really know yourself". Why, then, do we often fear being alone?
Regardless of your own preconceptions about solitude, I want to posit that for each of us, there is space, openness, and opportunity it times of aloneness, if we embrace it. Below are nurturing
elements we can all partake in when we are by ourselves.
Aloneness: Ten ways to dive deeper into yourself
-Laugh out loud. Play a comedic show in the background, but try not to stay in front of screens
-Shift yourself into a 2nd person perspective and have conversations with yourself
-Light a candle and stare into the flame, letting thoughts come and go
-Take a bath, taking three seconds to submerge yourself once. Water has healing properties.
-Utilize essential oils or incense to reinvigorate your living space with smell
-Fill part of your home with soft red lights, creating an ambiance of tranquility
-Spring clean your living space; your level of cleanliness will reflect your mental state
-Write down thoughts and feelings in a daily log, tracking major themes that come up for you
-Create a music playlist of downtempo, deep bass tracks for a more atmospheric ambiance
-Create a daily stretch routine for your specific body type, emphasizing your back and neck.
Wishing you vitality and rest.
Reframe: The Power of Self Talk
"Hindsight is 20/20"..."Perception is Everything"..."The glass half full, or half empty"... Sound familiar?
Lately in my Reflections I've pondered this idea of mentally reframing the things that Life throws at us. "Seeing good in bad" if you will. After all, there's the potential for a lot of "drama" in one's life...well, that is IF One so chooses to see it as drama. We can CHOOSE to see it differently. So much of how we operate and respond to things in our feelings and thoughts is based around Choice. And Choice manifests in every reaction that comes out of us, every way we view the things that happen in our lives, our day to day interactions, and beyond. Self Talk is perhaps the most personal of Choices. The things we say to ourselves, internally, say a lot about our self image, expectations of others, and our ability to function when conflict arises.
A particular feature I offer to you, Gentle Reader, is the use of the three dots. You read that correctly. Three dots. "..." leaves room for extension, expansion, and possibility. Dot dot dot is a simple addition to any negative self talk you may be struggling with.
An example: "I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know my purpose in this life."
This type of self talk can be very limited in scope, and very inconclusive. It begs for expansion, elaboration, and innovation. Self talk can be countered by simply adding the 3 dots. See here:
"I don't know what I want to do with my life...and yet, I can create a future version of myself that I aspire to be. I'll take small steps to get me there eventually. Day at a time..."
You see, there's always a "yet", a "but", a "...then again..." to be added into our negative thoughts. Life is never just Black or White, never just bleak or just amazing; it demands we experience both the Good AND the Difficult. Let your negative self talk reflect that. Reframe your perception. CHOOSE to think more about the POSSIBILITIES.
An example: "This is such a crappy situation I'm in...Yet I choose to focus on what's going well for me."
An alternative take on self talk lies in Positive Affirmations. These are simple statements we say to ourselves, much like Mantras, to remind us that we're doing something right, or , if nothing else, that we are still here for a reason.
"Baby steps"
"My story is not yet complete"
"People value my hard work"
"I knew love at some point in my life, and I am grateful for it"
"I can find something to be grateful for"
"I still have hope that things will turn around"
All of these are positive affirmations. We tell these to ourselves to keep our minds and spirits lifted. It's important to infuse your Self Talk with ideas like these.
And Remember, Gentle Readers. If you don't know, you can create.
Wishing you Tranquility.